It seems I have always loved helping others, and this, from a very young age. I am known to have a knack for ‘active listening’ and the ability of bringing people together and fostering relationships based on trust and respect. I am approachable to all, no matter the gender, the nationality, the age or whatever else. People are people and I am passionate about their diversity.

What differentiates me from others in my field. Contrary to most colleagues, I did not choose mediation as a profession it chose me. Whatever the role, whatever the position I had, I was naturally sought-after in the role of counsellor, mediator, arbitrator and/or facilitator, whether personal or work related. The reasons for that are quite simple, I thrive on interaction while finding win-win solutions and it’s addictive. Everyone has a story to tell, and by truly listening, I continuously learn from their experiences, their successes and their failures, which is always a constant source of inspiration in resolving conflicts.

As mediators we are there to guide the process but we are also there to help parties truly listen to each other’s story in order to mutually explore the underlying issues, concerns and fears they have. No agreement is sustainable if the sources of frustration and aggravation have not been identified and resolved to a certain comfort level.

In addition to a high level of personal experience in conflict resolution I also have experienced first-hand, the emotional roller coaster of my own divorce. Going through it myself has certainly helped me to better understand the attendant feelings of confusion, mistrust, betrayal and anger that couples go through daily. The experience continues to teach me, that the ability to maintain civility in the face of divorce is an ongoing requirement if children are to grow up to become happy and healthy adults capable of entering into committed relationships themselves in the future.

My divorce agreement was far from “short and sweet” and yet it had no detailed parenting plan. Needless to say that this resulted over the years in many conflicts, disagreements and phone calls to our respective lawyers. This was a very expensive “venture” which could have paid for a Harvard education for our son!

It could have all been avoided had we both had the wisdom to take a deep breath, a step back, and educated ourselves a bit more on the benefits of mediation and the importance of having a good parenting plan. This is what I can offer you:

My plan covers everything from who keeps the Medicare cards to who takes the kids when they are sick, when they have PED days, who keeps the passport, who goes halloweening with them, who pays for their allowance, their extra curricular activities etc. There is very little, if anything I have not thought of while ensuring the best interest of the children in the process.

Please read my article on parenting plans and on the benefits of mediation and, if you are still on the fence about mediation, please contact me and I will gladly talk or meet you to show you how mediation is definitely the best solution to a peaceful resolution!

Mediation-Arbitration or Med-Arb, is an approach that combines the benefits of both techniques. The sessions start with the parties trying to collaborate on an agreement with the help of the mediator, or the med-arbiter.

This process follows the usual mediation process, initial individual meetings, followed by sessions with both parties. The goal is to do everything possible to reach an amicable and workable agreement that everyone can embrace, support and in the case of children an agreement that focusses on their best interest.

If for some reason the parties are unable to reach a final agreement but have agreed on some of their issues, the mediator or med-arbiter then assumes the role of arbitrator (if qualified) and renders a binding decision, usually very quickly, on all the unresolved issues. If a different person is chosen to be the arbitrator in a med-arb case, he or she can take over all or part of the dispute from the mediator.

Statistically, most cases of med-arb turn into successful mediations with no requirement for arbitration. When that actually happens that’s great but in the cases where mediation was not successful then not so much.

Like any other alternative dispute resolution process there are advantages and disadvantages to med-arb.

Advantages:

– Cost and time effective: Sessions are based on the parties schedules and availability. They control the pace of the process it can be quick or slow it’s completely up to the parties to decide. No requirement to wait on court date availability. No need to re-start process if mediation fails, can continue with same med-arbiter who already knows the case.

– Decision making over final outcome: Parties can settle the dispute during mediation and be in full control of final outcome or can also decide to let 3rd party med-arbiter make the final decisions.

– Finality: Some parties opt for the arbitration side of med-arb as it provides finality. They know the med-arbiter has complete authority to create a final and binding settlement.

– Acts as a motivator: Parties know that if they don’t come to an agreement during the mediation sessions they will no longer be in a position to make decisions for themselves, their kids and families. That knowledge in itself often motivates parties to work harder in mediation in order to come to a mutually beneficial agreement.

Some people will tell you that med-arb is great and is much cheaper than court. Until you actually experience it you may believe that. Let me tell you that is often not the case as I unfortunately found out lately, when my best friend had to go through the process herself. First, make sure your lawyer explains to you the implications of entering a Med/arb Agreement before you agree and sign it. Here are some of the things my friend found out the hard way:

• Once you sign the Med/Arb Agreement it’s not that easy to get out of it. If mediation is unsuccessful you cannot say that you no longer want to arbitrate, in the majority of the cases you are now committed whether you want it or not.
• In my best friend’s case, the arbitrator also requested 3 post dated cheques of $25,000.00 each and also mentioned that these were only deposits that the arbitration could very well cost $200K.
• The opposing party can call upon as many witnesses as they want so the more witnesses the more time, days the more you pay your arbitrator, your lawyers etc.
• If you are dealing with a self-employed party, arbitration will not help you discover more than mediation did, if he/she hides his/her money well there is nothing the arbitrator can do.
• Do not go with an arbitrator that was chosen by the opposing party, try to get one that is not known by both party this will hopefully reduce all biases or conflict of interest. 

The other main problem I see with Med/Arb is that it discourages honesty, openness, financial disclosure: If you know some of the information you may divulge during your mediation sessions may be used against you if the process moves to arbitration you may not be willing to be as forthcoming as you would in a pure mediation process. Parties may also agree to certain things they normally would not out of fear of losing even more in arbitration.

My advice or my recommendation is do everything you can to resolve your issues in mediation, draft your Parenting Plan, do your financial disclosure and calculate your Net Family property with your mediator, just these 3 things will save you tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees.

People deal with conflict or change in different ways. Some people are extremely emotional some others keep everything bottled up inside. Some get very angry and some are very sad. Some listen to their heart and some, more logical beings, think with their brains. Some want to talk about it in order to feel better and some others prefer ignoring the issues hoping they will go away.

Now, I’m not talking about the intricate differences between men and women although the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” does describe what I mention above to perfection. I’m talking about people in general even people within the same gender.

So considering all this plethora of personalities out there you can imagine how difficult it can be, especially in situations of extreme emotions, such as anger, resentment, frustration, deep sorrow, grief, for family members, friends, colleagues to communicate with each other in a calm, rational, sensible way or to agree on important decisions regarding their loved ones.

So how does Facilitation help?

Facilitating communication is more than just listening and its more than just leading a conversation. A good facilitator knows when to stop talking and when to listen to not only what is being said but also to what is not being said

As a facilitator, I work with people, families, co-workers who are having a hard time discussing sensitive issues by guiding the communication process in such a way that those conversations can happen in a constructive and successful manner.

When I’m working with families, in the case for example where it involves an older adult, I meet with each individual family member first, this includes of course the older adult, in order to understand:

– Where they are coming from, their fears and concerns.
– Where they fit in, what their role is within the family dynamic.
– What interests lies behind their position if any.

I listen to their interpretation of the situation but we also discuss possible solutions, we talk about scenarios, we look at options in order to eventually come up with a plan that every other member in the family can embrace. I truly believe that people feel acknowledged and valued when others validate their feelings. Allowing people to address their emotions also helps them move beyond the situation at hand in an effective way. Ignoring those feelings is what creates distance and ultimately it’s what cripples the communication process.

I then gather all the family members together in order to discuss the different proposals that were brought up during on individual sessions. I encourage all parties to:
– Truly listen when others are sharing ideas and not to think of what they want to say next.
– To listen with an open mind.
– To not interrupt and wait for their turn to speak.
– To repeat what is being said in order to give the speaker a chance to clarify.

This inclusive process gives families an opportunity to come up with achievable plans. Making sure everyone gets a chance to contribute their ideas and participate in the final resolution will result in a plan that meets everyone’s needs and expectations.

Here are some situations where facilitation has help families just like yours:

– Older parent is diagnosed with mild dementia and adult children don’t agree on how this new life transition for their parent should be handled.
– Older parent is living on their own but health is deteriorating and children want older parent to start considering selling their home, moving to a retirement home or assisted living facility. Problem is older parent doesn’t see the need to do so and in some cases is right, in-home care assistance can be an option.
– Older parent is living with adult child but health condition is deteriorating and adult child can no longer handle all their needs. Options need to be discussed.
– Older adult child moves back in with older parent but older parent is in no financial or health condition to provide for him/her. Other siblings are concerned but no one gets along so communication is broken.
– Older parent is diagnosed with mild Alzheimer’s disease but can still function with in-home care assistance but no one is available to make those arrangements.
– Older adult has just been diagnosed with mild dementia but is in complete denial and refuses all help from family.
– Older adult driving skills are deteriorating but he/she still refuses to give up driving.

In Ontario, spousal support is almost always paid by the spouse with the higher income to the spouse with the lower income.

How is spousal support calculated?

The Ontario Family Law Act specifies the factors judges must consider when calculating spousal support or alimony:
• Financial means of both spouses
• Length of time you were married
• Child care, child support payments
• Helping a spouse in financial need if the other spouse can pay
• Child support payments

Some other factors the court may look at include:
• The functions each of you performed while living together (the division of labour, for example, who looked after what in the home, who looked after the children)
• Any order, agreement or arrangement relating to the support of either spouse (for example, a court order or separation agreement)
• The physical or mental disability of one of the parties
• Any contributions by one party to the education or career potential of the other (for example, if you helped pay for your partner to go to school, or you moved around a lot to benefit your partner’s career, while yours suffered)
• The reasonable needs of the spouses or partners
• The separate property of each spouse or partner
• The age of the spouses
• The likelihood that the spouse receiving support can become economically self-sufficient

Please note that the court will not consider any ‘misconduct’ of a spouse in relation to the marriage when deciding on spousal support. For example, if one of the parties committed adultery, this does not affect whether they will pay or receive spousal support, or how much they might pay or receive.

Can I get spousal support if I didn’t have children with my ex-partner?
You can apply for spousal support, regardless of whether you have children or not. If you do have children with the ex-partner from whom you are asking for spousal support, the payment of any child support takes priority over the payment of spousal support.

We are not married, am I still entitled to spousal support?
In Ontario, spousal support (also known as alimony) is only payable to a “spouse.” A spouse can be a common law partner, so living together with someone can eventually give rise to an obligation to pay spousal support, even if you are not married.

In Ontario you are considered to be a “spouse” once you marry. If you and your partner are living common law, then you will be considered a spouse for spousal support purposes if you and your partner have cohabited for three years; or if you and your partner live in a relationship of permanence and have a child together. Section 29 of the “The Family Law Act” requires that the cohabitation must be continuous, so if you’ve broken up for a period of time and then gotten back together, this may affect whether you are considered a spouse.

“Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines”
These guidelines were created in 2005 in order to make spousal support more predictable and consistent.
Mediators and lawyers use these guidelines when helping parties make decisions and set up spousal support agreements out of court.
Judges will also often use the guidelines as a helpful tool but are not required to do so when rendering decisions on spousal support.
Keep in mind that contrary to the “child support guidelines” which are law and required to be followed by the courts, “Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines” are not binding and are only to be used as a guide.

The “Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines” suggest appropriate ranges of support in a variety of situations for spouses entitled to support. The guidelines do not provide advice on whether a spouse is entitled to support. In each case, entitlement to support depends on how the law applies to their situation.
Please consult a mediator or lawyer for more information.

In the meantime the “Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines” can be found at
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/spousal-epoux/ug_a1-gu_a1/toc-tdm.html