People deal with conflict or change in different ways. Some people are extremely emotional some others keep everything bottled up inside. Some get very angry and some are very sad. Some listen to their heart and some, more logical beings, think with their brains. Some want to talk about it in order to feel better and some others prefer ignoring the issues hoping they will go away.

Now, I’m not talking about the intricate differences between men and women although the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” does describe what I mention above to perfection. I’m talking about people in general even people within the same gender.

So considering all this plethora of personalities out there you can imagine how difficult it can be, especially in situations of extreme emotions, such as anger, resentment, frustration, deep sorrow, grief, for family members, friends, colleagues to communicate with each other in a calm, rational, sensible way or to agree on important decisions regarding their loved ones.

So how does Facilitation help?

Facilitating communication is more than just listening and its more than just leading a conversation. A good facilitator knows when to stop talking and when to listen to not only what is being said but also to what is not being said

As a facilitator, I work with people, families, co-workers who are having a hard time discussing sensitive issues by guiding the communication process in such a way that those conversations can happen in a constructive and successful manner.

When I’m working with families, in the case for example where it involves an older adult, I meet with each individual family member first, this includes of course the older adult, in order to understand:

– Where they are coming from, their fears and concerns.
– Where they fit in, what their role is within the family dynamic.
– What interests lies behind their position if any.

I listen to their interpretation of the situation but we also discuss possible solutions, we talk about scenarios, we look at options in order to eventually come up with a plan that every other member in the family can embrace. I truly believe that people feel acknowledged and valued when others validate their feelings. Allowing people to address their emotions also helps them move beyond the situation at hand in an effective way. Ignoring those feelings is what creates distance and ultimately it’s what cripples the communication process.

I then gather all the family members together in order to discuss the different proposals that were brought up during on individual sessions. I encourage all parties to:
– Truly listen when others are sharing ideas and not to think of what they want to say next.
– To listen with an open mind.
– To not interrupt and wait for their turn to speak.
– To repeat what is being said in order to give the speaker a chance to clarify.

This inclusive process gives families an opportunity to come up with achievable plans. Making sure everyone gets a chance to contribute their ideas and participate in the final resolution will result in a plan that meets everyone’s needs and expectations.

Here are some situations where facilitation has help families just like yours:

– Older parent is diagnosed with mild dementia and adult children don’t agree on how this new life transition for their parent should be handled.
– Older parent is living on their own but health is deteriorating and children want older parent to start considering selling their home, moving to a retirement home or assisted living facility. Problem is older parent doesn’t see the need to do so and in some cases is right, in-home care assistance can be an option.
– Older parent is living with adult child but health condition is deteriorating and adult child can no longer handle all their needs. Options need to be discussed.
– Older adult child moves back in with older parent but older parent is in no financial or health condition to provide for him/her. Other siblings are concerned but no one gets along so communication is broken.
– Older parent is diagnosed with mild Alzheimer’s disease but can still function with in-home care assistance but no one is available to make those arrangements.
– Older adult has just been diagnosed with mild dementia but is in complete denial and refuses all help from family.
– Older adult driving skills are deteriorating but he/she still refuses to give up driving.

In Ontario, spousal support is almost always paid by the spouse with the higher income to the spouse with the lower income.

How is spousal support calculated?

The Ontario Family Law Act specifies the factors judges must consider when calculating spousal support or alimony:
• Financial means of both spouses
• Length of time you were married
• Child care, child support payments
• Helping a spouse in financial need if the other spouse can pay
• Child support payments

Some other factors the court may look at include:
• The functions each of you performed while living together (the division of labour, for example, who looked after what in the home, who looked after the children)
• Any order, agreement or arrangement relating to the support of either spouse (for example, a court order or separation agreement)
• The physical or mental disability of one of the parties
• Any contributions by one party to the education or career potential of the other (for example, if you helped pay for your partner to go to school, or you moved around a lot to benefit your partner’s career, while yours suffered)
• The reasonable needs of the spouses or partners
• The separate property of each spouse or partner
• The age of the spouses
• The likelihood that the spouse receiving support can become economically self-sufficient

Please note that the court will not consider any ‘misconduct’ of a spouse in relation to the marriage when deciding on spousal support. For example, if one of the parties committed adultery, this does not affect whether they will pay or receive spousal support, or how much they might pay or receive.

Can I get spousal support if I didn’t have children with my ex-partner?
You can apply for spousal support, regardless of whether you have children or not. If you do have children with the ex-partner from whom you are asking for spousal support, the payment of any child support takes priority over the payment of spousal support.

We are not married, am I still entitled to spousal support?
In Ontario, spousal support (also known as alimony) is only payable to a “spouse.” A spouse can be a common law partner, so living together with someone can eventually give rise to an obligation to pay spousal support, even if you are not married.

In Ontario you are considered to be a “spouse” once you marry. If you and your partner are living common law, then you will be considered a spouse for spousal support purposes if you and your partner have cohabited for three years; or if you and your partner live in a relationship of permanence and have a child together. Section 29 of the “The Family Law Act” requires that the cohabitation must be continuous, so if you’ve broken up for a period of time and then gotten back together, this may affect whether you are considered a spouse.

“Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines”
These guidelines were created in 2005 in order to make spousal support more predictable and consistent.
Mediators and lawyers use these guidelines when helping parties make decisions and set up spousal support agreements out of court.
Judges will also often use the guidelines as a helpful tool but are not required to do so when rendering decisions on spousal support.
Keep in mind that contrary to the “child support guidelines” which are law and required to be followed by the courts, “Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines” are not binding and are only to be used as a guide.

The “Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines” suggest appropriate ranges of support in a variety of situations for spouses entitled to support. The guidelines do not provide advice on whether a spouse is entitled to support. In each case, entitlement to support depends on how the law applies to their situation.
Please consult a mediator or lawyer for more information.

In the meantime the “Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines” can be found at
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/spousal-epoux/ug_a1-gu_a1/toc-tdm.html

Qu’est-ce qu’un Plan Parental?
Un plan parental est un document écrit dans lequel est décrit la manière dont les parents élèveront leurs enfants après une séparation ou un divorce. Certaines personnes utilisent les termes juridiques, comme « garde » et « accès » pour désigner ce type d’arrangements mais dans un cas de plan parental surtout en médiation il n’est pas nécessaire de les utiliser.

En général, le plan contient les détails sur les arrangements parentaux suivants :
• Les modalités de résidence et calendrier des enfants
• Les vacances, les conges scolaires et les occasions spéciales
• Les soins de la santé (rendez-vous chez le médecin, dentiste)
• Les arrangements pour enfants ayant des besoins spéciaux (médication)
• L’éducation (choix d’écoles)
• Les activités parascolaires (déterminées conjointement)
• La religion
• La culture
• La relation avec les grands-parents ou famille élargie
• Les voyages (Passeport, lettre autorisant l’enfant a voyager avec l’autre parent)
• Les moyens de communication entre parents (courriel, message Texte, téléphone)
• Les changements au Plan Parental (1,2 fois par année)
• Les résolutions de problèmes entre parents (en médiation)
• Toutes les autres questions relatives aux responsabilités parentales (utilisation d’ordi, heure du coucher, nutrition, sécurité, discipline etc.)

Si vous pensez qu’il est probable que vous aurez des conflits entre vous et l’autre parent au sujet de certaines questions liées à votre rôle de parent, il serait peut-être bon d’en tenir compte dans votre plan. Ceci pourrait vous aider à diminuer les conflits plus tard. Par contre, ajoutez seulement les détails qui sont vraiment nécessaires. N’oubliez pas que vous et l’autre parent devrez respecter les règles que vous aurez établies dans votre plan.

Un plan parental doit tenir compte des intérêts et des besoins des enfants. Un plan parental peut aussi aider à réduire les conflits entre les parents, et ceci est important parce que les recherches démontrent que lorsque les parents collaborent, les chances que leurs enfants réussissent à s’adapter après une séparation ou un divorce augmentent énormément.

Un plan parental doit contenir assez de détails pour être utile, mais il doit être assez flexible pour être réaliste. Les circonstances de la vie changent puis les besoins de votre enfant aujourd’hui ne seront pas les besoins de votre enfant demain. Vous devez tenir compte de l’âge de votre enfant et de votre capacité de communiquer et de bien vous entendre avec l’autre parent pour déterminer le degré de détails à inclure dans le plan. Un plan parental bien conçu réduit les conflits en établissant clairement les lignes directrices et les attentes.

Finalement, vous pouvez établir un plan parental avec l’autre parent, si vous vous entendez. Si vous avez besoin d’aide pour parvenir à une entente, le processus de médiation peut vous aider à établir un plan parental.

• Effective Process: The success rate is usually around 80%-85%.
• Better Results: The resolution is created by the parties and is therefore tailored to their specific needs and interests. Studies show that this results in less breaches of agreement reached.
• Speed: Mediation can be arranged in a short period of time and has the effect of bringing settlement negotiations “to a head” more quickly than through the court system.
• Cost: Time, money and emotion can be saved through early resolution of the dispute. No hidden costs, what you see is what you get.
• Choice of Mediator: The parties choose their mediator, contrary to court proceedings where a judge is appointed to their case.
• Problem Centred: The mediation process focuses on the needs and interests of the parties as opposed to simply looking at their legal rights and remedies.
• Control: Parties each maintain control of the dispute and its resolution as they come up with a settlement and agree to live by it only if it is acceptable to both of them.
• Privacy/confidentiality: Mediation takes place in private and therefore the details of the dispute and its resolution need not be publicly disclosed.
• Freedom to be innovative: Because the process is confidential and takes place on a “without prejudice” basis the parties have the freedom to develop and consider innovative settlement ideas.
• Guided Negotiations: The guidance of a mediator on the negotiation process can help keep the negotiations on track and moving forward.
• Convenience: Parties decide on the date and time of the meeting based on their own schedules or those of their children.
• Informal/Relaxed Atmosphere: The informal setting and atmosphere of mediation encourages productive communication between the parties.
• Improved Relationship: Can preserve or enhance the relationship between the parties.

Today, mediation is the fastest growing alternative to more traditional processes for dispute resolution. It is being actively utilized in almost every conceivable type of dispute. With an 80-85% success rate it is wise and relatively inexpensive to try mediation. The only mistake might be not to give it a try.

Separations/divorces are emotionally, psychologically and often physically painful enough why add to it by financially mortgaging yourselves as well. Parties are competent enough to know what is important to them, they are the experts on their needs and interests and those of their children. They are quite capable of making decisions or resolving issues on their own.