A parenting plan is a written document that outlines how parents will raise their children after separation or divorce. This document once finalized by the parties, reviewed by legal counsel can also be signed by a judge and become a court order, enforceable by the court.

I often get the question “Why do we need a Parenting Plan, when agree on everything regarding the children”?

My answer is simple: “You may agree now and that’s great but you may not agree later and that’s why it’s good to have a fall back plan which reminds you of what you agreed to back then”.

Which leads me to the secret ingredient for a better Parenting Plan.

While routine, consistency are important there also needs to be room for flexibility, compromise and a yearly review. That yearly review is the secret ingredient.

I always recommend a review because situations, your job (shift work), your status (single/in a relationship) may change. To add, as children get older they have  different needs, activities etc..

It’s not uncommon for people to tell me, “We want what’s best for the children and we cannot imagine not agreeing on anything pertaining to their well being”.

To that, I advise people that “This is today in the current environment and your respective current situations”.

Here is a scenario that is quite common and that can happen to either or both of you.

You agree that the children will spend Christmas Eve with mom and Christmas day with dad as of 12 pm. Now, that’s fine right now assuming you live close to each other and the children are still quite young and your value the importance of sharing this special holiday with both parents.

However, picture the children in 5, or 8 years from now and one of you or both are in a relationship with someone whose family is in a another town or another Province. As much as you want the children to see their mom or dad you also want your new partner, you and the children to celebrate Christmas with his or her family but you cannot take the children with you because they need to go to your ex’s at 12 pm on Christmas Day.”

Now, is there a chance you and your ex will agree to changing the holiday schedule and that one of you will skip Christmas Day with the children. Yes of course there is. There is also  a chance your ex will say “No, as per the Plan I get them at 12 pm”. Then what is your recourse? None, unless of course you want to try your luck at court with the expense and hardship that it often entails.

It is because of scenarios like the above that I always recommend the secret ingredient of a at least one annual review of your Parenting Plan.

Things change and those changes need to be reflected in your Plan. A well written plan helps you anticipate the need for that flexibility and change. That’s why it is important to have professional input.

As a mediator, these are just some of the issues I will help you with in crafting your Parenting Plan.

Most people don’t realize that when they go through lawyers to settle their differences, I’m referring to cases of separations and divorces because that’s my area of expertise, what they end up paying their lawyers is much more than just the hourly lawyer fees. In an article Gail Johnson wrote back in October 2013 she states that according to “Canadian Lawyer’s 2011 legal fees survey”, the cost of a contested divorce can cost anywhere from $7,208 to $74,122, with the average cost being $12,875.

And that’s just the financial cost. Let’s take a quick look at the other elements that may also impact your decision.

Litigation (lawyers)

Financial cost:
$7,000-$74,000 (Average $32,000)
Length of process:
6 months to 3 years
Emotional cost:
Stressful and draining process, physical toll, encourages distrust, affects relationship with children, destroys parental relationship, pressure on children…
Schedule issues:
The court decides the times and the dates no regards for your respective schedules or those of your children
Decision making control:
None. A judge will decide what is best for you based on previous cases and the law
Success of agreement:
As it was imposed, proven to often not last therefore leading to more court proceedings thus more costs

Mediation (mediator)

Financial cost:
$500.00-$2500.00
Length of process:
3 months to 6 months (Sometimes less)
Emotional cost:
Stress relief, less focused on self more on children. Encourages collaboration and cooperation
Schedule issues:
None. You both decide the dates and times based on your respective schedules or those of your children
Decision making control:
Full control. You both decide what is best for you and your family.
Success of agreement:
As it was mutually agreed to, proven to be durable, respected, reducing conflict and therefore less costly.

                                             The choice is yours to make….

Many disputes arise out of a failure by either party or both parties to communicate, understand or consider the needs and interests of the other.

People tend to simply focus on “Who is right and who is wrong?” This makes them incapable of considering the possibility that both may have a legitimate point of view.

At Mediate 2 Agree, we encourage parties to look at their dispute using different lenses. “The benefit of this approach isn’t in the answers you get but the questions you ask”.

What in their opinion would be a mutually acceptable solution? Will that solution be a fair option that will be conducive to a good working relationship? How do you think your colleague would feel if this solution was implemented? In your opinion what could be the negative aspects of such an option?

By asking parties to evaluate multiple options, scenarios, by asking them to listen and actually hear the other party’s perspective, they gain a better understanding of the issues which increases their ability to work together towards a mutually acceptable resolution